Dear God, (July 24th, 2007)
I hear the silence echo in the depths of my soul. Your silence is more than I can take, God. I cry out to You; my heart is desperate for You--and still, no answer. I call, "Where are You?" and all I hear is the echoes in my soul. How long, O Lord? How long must my soul search for You in vain? Will You not answer? Can You not hear me? I need to know You’re here.
I must trust. Somewhere, somehow, You’ll come through for me. You promise to never leave me--You’ve never broken Your promises. So, You’re still here. I can’t feel Your presence, I can’t see Your face, I can’t hear Your voice. But somehow I must trust that You’re here. I do. I believe that You are with me even when I can’t feel Your presence. I believe that this will not last forever. One day, (soon--I hope) You’ll break into the winter of my heart; shine the Sun of Your presence on me and melt the snow and ice of fear, doubt and despair. You will show Your face to me again.
Until then, I will seek. I will search for You in my pain. I will cry out for You, the Living God. I will seek Your face with all my heart. I want to find You, God. Please show me You.
Yours Forever,
Rachel
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Friday, February 27, 2009
Prayer Journal Entry #11: Refuge
Dear God, (July 17th, 2007)
I need a touch from You. My faith is feeble and frail. I need to know that You are here. I must confess that I have taken my eyes off of You and started looking at the huge waves surrounding me. I’m starting to sink down- I’m holding out my hand- will You reach out and save me? I need to know that You are holding me. Your Word says, "The Eternal God is your refuge, and underneath are the Everlasting Arms..." God, I’m hurting right now. I need refuge from the storm in Your Everlasting Arms. Hold me close, Father. I need to cry on Your shoulder, but how can I do that if You’re far away? I need to feel the comfort of Your love.
In the Psalms, David often mentions You saving him from his enemies. Now, they may have been physical enemies, but couldn’t they have also been enemies like fear, despair, doubt, loneliness, etc? I think so.
Right now, I’m battling all of the above. Fear of the future and fear of rejection have nearly paralyzed me. Despair is like waves crashing over my head- if a big enough wave comes along, I could go under for good. I’m doubting that You’re hearing me, God. Please answer!!!! I’m lonely, too. For You. I miss You. Come back, please. Show me Your presence once again. I need You, Abba.
Yours Forever,
Rachel
I need a touch from You. My faith is feeble and frail. I need to know that You are here. I must confess that I have taken my eyes off of You and started looking at the huge waves surrounding me. I’m starting to sink down- I’m holding out my hand- will You reach out and save me? I need to know that You are holding me. Your Word says, "The Eternal God is your refuge, and underneath are the Everlasting Arms..." God, I’m hurting right now. I need refuge from the storm in Your Everlasting Arms. Hold me close, Father. I need to cry on Your shoulder, but how can I do that if You’re far away? I need to feel the comfort of Your love.
In the Psalms, David often mentions You saving him from his enemies. Now, they may have been physical enemies, but couldn’t they have also been enemies like fear, despair, doubt, loneliness, etc? I think so.
Right now, I’m battling all of the above. Fear of the future and fear of rejection have nearly paralyzed me. Despair is like waves crashing over my head- if a big enough wave comes along, I could go under for good. I’m doubting that You’re hearing me, God. Please answer!!!! I’m lonely, too. For You. I miss You. Come back, please. Show me Your presence once again. I need You, Abba.
Yours Forever,
Rachel
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Prayer Journal Entry #10: How long?
Dear God, (July 11th, 2007)
Are you there? Can You hear me? I can’t feel Your presence. I need to know You’re with me. Your Word says, "Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will not fear, for You are with me..." I’m going through the valley, God, but I’m scared because I can’t feel Your presence. How can I know You’re with me?
How long? How long will You hide Your face from me? How long must I cry out, night after night, day after day, while You do not answer me? How long will my soul seek You in turmoil and anguish? How long will You be silent? I need to hear Your voice; I need to see Your face. Just Your presence will give me the strength to carry on. Without You, I am lost and without hope.
In my suffering, my heart cries out to You for answers. How long must my soul search in vain for the comfort of Your presence? Psalm 42:1-3, 5-6, 9-11; Psalm 22:1-2; Psalm 13:1-6; Psalm 63:1; Psalm 71 (esp. verse 9); Psalm 83:1; Psalm 88 (esp. verse 2).
You promise in Psalm 91:15 that when I call to You, You will answer me; You will rescue me from danger. I am crying out to You: but can You hear me? You have not answered. How long??
Yours Forever,
Rachel
Are you there? Can You hear me? I can’t feel Your presence. I need to know You’re with me. Your Word says, "Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will not fear, for You are with me..." I’m going through the valley, God, but I’m scared because I can’t feel Your presence. How can I know You’re with me?
How long? How long will You hide Your face from me? How long must I cry out, night after night, day after day, while You do not answer me? How long will my soul seek You in turmoil and anguish? How long will You be silent? I need to hear Your voice; I need to see Your face. Just Your presence will give me the strength to carry on. Without You, I am lost and without hope.
In my suffering, my heart cries out to You for answers. How long must my soul search in vain for the comfort of Your presence? Psalm 42:1-3, 5-6, 9-11; Psalm 22:1-2; Psalm 13:1-6; Psalm 63:1; Psalm 71 (esp. verse 9); Psalm 83:1; Psalm 88 (esp. verse 2).
You promise in Psalm 91:15 that when I call to You, You will answer me; You will rescue me from danger. I am crying out to You: but can You hear me? You have not answered. How long??
Yours Forever,
Rachel
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Prayer Journal Entry #9: Memories and Skeletons...
Dear God, (July 4th, 2007)
Opening my boxes of stuff from Uruguay is hard, not just because of the memories, but mostly because it forces me to come to grips with the old me. The me who was so stubborn, angry and rebellious. The me who talked back and was disrespectful to my parents. It’s as if I took the old me and tried to lock it in the closet when I got here. Coming to the US was sort of a chance to start over, to try to be someone different, someone better. I’ve been able to keep the skeleton locking the closet for quite some time now. Almost long enough to completely forget about who I used to be.
But now, all the stuff is back here. The pictures, the journals, all of it. Now I can close my eyes and I’m back in Uruguay, talking back to Mom. Being disobedient, disrespectful. It’s as if the closet door is slowly creaking open; after being unlocked by the key I thought I threw away long ago. Any moment now, out will step the skeleton--what’s left of the old me. I’ll have to take it on--head on. There’s no way I can possibly fight the skeleton by myself, God. I need Your help. Help me face my past head on and beat it to the ground; bury it. I don’t ever want to have to face it again. Help me kill it, once and for all.
Yours Forever,
Rachel
Opening my boxes of stuff from Uruguay is hard, not just because of the memories, but mostly because it forces me to come to grips with the old me. The me who was so stubborn, angry and rebellious. The me who talked back and was disrespectful to my parents. It’s as if I took the old me and tried to lock it in the closet when I got here. Coming to the US was sort of a chance to start over, to try to be someone different, someone better. I’ve been able to keep the skeleton locking the closet for quite some time now. Almost long enough to completely forget about who I used to be.
But now, all the stuff is back here. The pictures, the journals, all of it. Now I can close my eyes and I’m back in Uruguay, talking back to Mom. Being disobedient, disrespectful. It’s as if the closet door is slowly creaking open; after being unlocked by the key I thought I threw away long ago. Any moment now, out will step the skeleton--what’s left of the old me. I’ll have to take it on--head on. There’s no way I can possibly fight the skeleton by myself, God. I need Your help. Help me face my past head on and beat it to the ground; bury it. I don’t ever want to have to face it again. Help me kill it, once and for all.
Yours Forever,
Rachel
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Prayer Journal Entry #8: Homesick...
Dear God, (June 28th, 2007)
I’m really struggling right now with homesickness. I really miss Uruguay. But also, I know that if I were there, I’d miss being here. In truth, though, I don’t really belong anywhere. Except in Heaven. I’m so glad You’re preparing a home for me there. I belong to You, so I’ll feel quite at home there, I think.
I don’t think anyone else who is not a missionary kid can really understand how hard it is to feel so insecure at times; like you don’t really fit in anywhere. They can’t understand how hard it is to keep having to say "good-bye."
But even most missionary kids don’t know how hard it is to resign. They don’t know the pain that comes with seeing your parents fail at their lifelong goal of serving God overseas. They don’t know the fear that comes with seeing your future loom in front of you, taunting and jeering; saying, "you weren’t good enough in the past; what makes you think you can do better in the future?" They don’t know the discouragement and disillusionment that you feel when failure is all you know. They don’t know what it’s like to not succeed.
It hurts, God. I’m hurting. This wound seems like it was just made and like it’ll never heal. I need You.
Yours Forever,
Rachel
I’m really struggling right now with homesickness. I really miss Uruguay. But also, I know that if I were there, I’d miss being here. In truth, though, I don’t really belong anywhere. Except in Heaven. I’m so glad You’re preparing a home for me there. I belong to You, so I’ll feel quite at home there, I think.
I don’t think anyone else who is not a missionary kid can really understand how hard it is to feel so insecure at times; like you don’t really fit in anywhere. They can’t understand how hard it is to keep having to say "good-bye."
But even most missionary kids don’t know how hard it is to resign. They don’t know the pain that comes with seeing your parents fail at their lifelong goal of serving God overseas. They don’t know the fear that comes with seeing your future loom in front of you, taunting and jeering; saying, "you weren’t good enough in the past; what makes you think you can do better in the future?" They don’t know the discouragement and disillusionment that you feel when failure is all you know. They don’t know what it’s like to not succeed.
It hurts, God. I’m hurting. This wound seems like it was just made and like it’ll never heal. I need You.
Yours Forever,
Rachel
Monday, February 23, 2009
Prayer Journal Entry #7: Worship
Dear God, (June 27th, 2007)
I found something about the concept of worship. We usually think of it as going to church and singing CCM songs with our eyes closed and our hands raised. But according to Romans 12:1, that’s not at all what it is.
"I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship."
This verse doesn’t say, "singing praise and worship songs with your hands raised is your spiritual act of worship." No, it says giving your entire life to God, laying everything down on the altar before Him to be used by Him--that is worship. But first, you must be holy and acceptable before God. God can’t use someone who is living in sin. It doesn’t bring honor to You, Father. We must be clean vessels to be used by You--we must have clean hands and a pure heart to enter into Your temple to praise You with our mouths; we must also be pure in heart to be used by You, for our lives to praise and worship You. So often (too often) we forget that You have called us to be holy and we try to live our own life, do our own thing and then go to church and "worship." But unless our lives and hearts worship You, our songs cannot.
Yours Forever,
Rachel
I found something about the concept of worship. We usually think of it as going to church and singing CCM songs with our eyes closed and our hands raised. But according to Romans 12:1, that’s not at all what it is.
"I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship."
This verse doesn’t say, "singing praise and worship songs with your hands raised is your spiritual act of worship." No, it says giving your entire life to God, laying everything down on the altar before Him to be used by Him--that is worship. But first, you must be holy and acceptable before God. God can’t use someone who is living in sin. It doesn’t bring honor to You, Father. We must be clean vessels to be used by You--we must have clean hands and a pure heart to enter into Your temple to praise You with our mouths; we must also be pure in heart to be used by You, for our lives to praise and worship You. So often (too often) we forget that You have called us to be holy and we try to live our own life, do our own thing and then go to church and "worship." But unless our lives and hearts worship You, our songs cannot.
Yours Forever,
Rachel
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Comfort
Dear God, (June 26th, 2007)
I’m doing a study on comfort in Your Word with a friend of mine. I’m learning so much. One thing I’ve found is that Your promises are such a comfort. Promises like, "The Eternal God is your refuge, and underneath are the Everlasting Arms" and "I will never leave you or forsake you." It’s so comforting to know that You’ll always be here, no matter what.
Another thing I’ve found is that knowing that You’re in control is very comforting, too. You have never failed me in the past and I know You never will in the future, so what can happen in the present that could change Your plans? Nothing.
I’m learning to trust You. Even though I don’t know what the future holds, it’s in Your hands and there’s no safer place it could be. Give me the faith to step out into the unknown holding tightly to Your hand. You’ll never fail, never leave, never, ever forget me. No matter what happens here at home, even if we have to move, help me trust You to know what’s best for me.
Thank You for being my Heavenly Father, even when my earthly father ignores me or doesn’t have time for me. I know that You’ll always be there and that I can cry on Your shoulder. You are so loving, so caring, so gentle, so tender and so kind. I need You so much. I love You so much.
Yours Forever,
Rachel
I’m doing a study on comfort in Your Word with a friend of mine. I’m learning so much. One thing I’ve found is that Your promises are such a comfort. Promises like, "The Eternal God is your refuge, and underneath are the Everlasting Arms" and "I will never leave you or forsake you." It’s so comforting to know that You’ll always be here, no matter what.
Another thing I’ve found is that knowing that You’re in control is very comforting, too. You have never failed me in the past and I know You never will in the future, so what can happen in the present that could change Your plans? Nothing.
I’m learning to trust You. Even though I don’t know what the future holds, it’s in Your hands and there’s no safer place it could be. Give me the faith to step out into the unknown holding tightly to Your hand. You’ll never fail, never leave, never, ever forget me. No matter what happens here at home, even if we have to move, help me trust You to know what’s best for me.
Thank You for being my Heavenly Father, even when my earthly father ignores me or doesn’t have time for me. I know that You’ll always be there and that I can cry on Your shoulder. You are so loving, so caring, so gentle, so tender and so kind. I need You so much. I love You so much.
Yours Forever,
Rachel
Saturday, February 21, 2009
In the Valley...
Dear God, (May 19th, 2007)
I feel like my world is spinning out of control. I have so much to do, and so little time to do it. And the problem is, the things that I have to do take precedence over the things I need to do, like spending time with You. And when I miss my time with You, my life becomes even more miserable, for You are the Only One who brings joy and comfort to me when I need it most.
I’ve just been through one of the most difficult times of my life. I went through a deep valley and took the downward spiral of depression. For several months, I was lost in hopelessness and despair. I think that You sent me through the valley so that I could see how much I really need You. Before the valley, I had thought that I could pretty much make it on my own, that I didn’t need You. Boy, was I wrong. When I hit rock bottom, who did I finally call out to? You. You came and got me out of that pit and set me free from that HUGE burden of worry, despair, stress, etc.
The problem is, I feel myself going down again. Down that awful downward spiral of depression. I keep trying to carry that burden again, too. I don’t want to go through the valley again. I’m not sure if I could handle it. Help me, Jesus. I need You.
Yours Forever,
Rachel
I feel like my world is spinning out of control. I have so much to do, and so little time to do it. And the problem is, the things that I have to do take precedence over the things I need to do, like spending time with You. And when I miss my time with You, my life becomes even more miserable, for You are the Only One who brings joy and comfort to me when I need it most.
I’ve just been through one of the most difficult times of my life. I went through a deep valley and took the downward spiral of depression. For several months, I was lost in hopelessness and despair. I think that You sent me through the valley so that I could see how much I really need You. Before the valley, I had thought that I could pretty much make it on my own, that I didn’t need You. Boy, was I wrong. When I hit rock bottom, who did I finally call out to? You. You came and got me out of that pit and set me free from that HUGE burden of worry, despair, stress, etc.
The problem is, I feel myself going down again. Down that awful downward spiral of depression. I keep trying to carry that burden again, too. I don’t want to go through the valley again. I’m not sure if I could handle it. Help me, Jesus. I need You.
Yours Forever,
Rachel
Friday, February 20, 2009
Dreaming Big...
Dear God, (April 17th, 2007)
I don’t know how I’ll ever be like You. It seems like the harder I try, the more I fail. I struggle with being inconsistent. I have bitterness in my heart. I have wounds that I keep picking the scabs off of, so they never heal.
I have hopes, dreams and aspirations that a voice inside me says are too high. My parents say I’ll never be good enough, that there’s no way I can be a home schooling mom of 13 and be a Christian recording artist. What they don’t know is that I also want to be an author and speaker. Mom says that since last year I wanted to be a doctor and now I want to be a recording artist, she’s just waiting for this to pass, too. But I don’t think this’ll pass, ‘cause I think this is a call from You. But I’m not sure.
Anyways, I feel like it’s almost hopeless to try to become like You, ‘cause I can’t do it by myself. So I guess what I’m saying is "I need Your help" ‘cause there’s no way I can do it by myself. Give me Your strength, please, to do Your will in Your way in me. Help me fight (and beat) sin. Help me clean up my life. Please clean my heart, too. Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me.
Yours Forever,
Rachel
I don’t know how I’ll ever be like You. It seems like the harder I try, the more I fail. I struggle with being inconsistent. I have bitterness in my heart. I have wounds that I keep picking the scabs off of, so they never heal.
I have hopes, dreams and aspirations that a voice inside me says are too high. My parents say I’ll never be good enough, that there’s no way I can be a home schooling mom of 13 and be a Christian recording artist. What they don’t know is that I also want to be an author and speaker. Mom says that since last year I wanted to be a doctor and now I want to be a recording artist, she’s just waiting for this to pass, too. But I don’t think this’ll pass, ‘cause I think this is a call from You. But I’m not sure.
Anyways, I feel like it’s almost hopeless to try to become like You, ‘cause I can’t do it by myself. So I guess what I’m saying is "I need Your help" ‘cause there’s no way I can do it by myself. Give me Your strength, please, to do Your will in Your way in me. Help me fight (and beat) sin. Help me clean up my life. Please clean my heart, too. Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me.
Yours Forever,
Rachel
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Dear God, (April 9th, 2007)
I’m so lonely. I don’t have many friends and the few friends I do have I only see 2-3 times a week. And the only things they talk about (at those times) are superficial. They’re empty. I feel like I don’t have anyone I can confide in.
We talked about this with my Youth Pastor the other day when we (my older brother and I) went out to lunch with him. We talked about needing to be more transparent in Youth Group. He said it starts with one or two people deciding that it’s time to be real with each other. I want to be transparent. I’m just scared. Scared because when you become transparent with those with whom you are close, you also become very vulnerable. Vulnerable to the point where you could easily get back stabbed. I’ve had that happen before. It hurts. I’m scared that if I become transparent, I’ll get back stabbed again. Anyway, the bottom line is this: I feel like I don’t have anyone I can confide in, but I need to. The pressure inside is intense. I feel like if I don’t open up and let someone in soon, I’ll just EXPLODE. I’m also scared of becoming transparent. Help me, please, God. I don’t know what to do.
Yours Forever,
Rachel
I’m so lonely. I don’t have many friends and the few friends I do have I only see 2-3 times a week. And the only things they talk about (at those times) are superficial. They’re empty. I feel like I don’t have anyone I can confide in.
We talked about this with my Youth Pastor the other day when we (my older brother and I) went out to lunch with him. We talked about needing to be more transparent in Youth Group. He said it starts with one or two people deciding that it’s time to be real with each other. I want to be transparent. I’m just scared. Scared because when you become transparent with those with whom you are close, you also become very vulnerable. Vulnerable to the point where you could easily get back stabbed. I’ve had that happen before. It hurts. I’m scared that if I become transparent, I’ll get back stabbed again. Anyway, the bottom line is this: I feel like I don’t have anyone I can confide in, but I need to. The pressure inside is intense. I feel like if I don’t open up and let someone in soon, I’ll just EXPLODE. I’m also scared of becoming transparent. Help me, please, God. I don’t know what to do.
Yours Forever,
Rachel
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Another prayer journal entry...
Dear God, (March 19th, 2007)
It’s in times like these that I feel so unworthy of Your love. I don’t deserve it. I’ve never done anything worthy of Your love. I am a sinner, and You a Holy God. And yet You love me.
My love for You (how I love You!) Could never equal (or even come close to) Your love for me. What an Amazing Love! You sent Your One and Only Firstborn Son to die in my place upon a cruel cross. He died a horrible, agonizing death to pay for my sins--a death and punishment that I fully deserved. O! What Love!
Now, You are at God’s right hand, making intercession for each and every one of Your children. Every day, You teach us to be more like You. What a privilege! To become more like the One who saved us!
My prayer today is simply this: Make me more like You. Help me to love as You love, to give myself sacrificially for others as You gave Yourself. Please, Lord. Make me more like You today. I love You, Precious Savior.
Yours Forever,
Rachel
It’s in times like these that I feel so unworthy of Your love. I don’t deserve it. I’ve never done anything worthy of Your love. I am a sinner, and You a Holy God. And yet You love me.
My love for You (how I love You!) Could never equal (or even come close to) Your love for me. What an Amazing Love! You sent Your One and Only Firstborn Son to die in my place upon a cruel cross. He died a horrible, agonizing death to pay for my sins--a death and punishment that I fully deserved. O! What Love!
Now, You are at God’s right hand, making intercession for each and every one of Your children. Every day, You teach us to be more like You. What a privilege! To become more like the One who saved us!
My prayer today is simply this: Make me more like You. Help me to love as You love, to give myself sacrificially for others as You gave Yourself. Please, Lord. Make me more like You today. I love You, Precious Savior.
Yours Forever,
Rachel
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Today I am starting a series of blog posts, consisting of excerpts from a prayer journal I have kept for the past two years. My purpose in posting these prayer journal entries (or, "letters to God," as I like to call them) is to encourage other believers in their walk with God. I want people to see that I am not some sort of "Super Christian"; I have struggles, and I fail. This journal tracks my spiritual growth over the course of 2007, 2008 and into the year 2009. I hope that it encourages you, and I pray that would be inspired to keep a prayer journal, too!
Dear God, (March 17th, 2007)
I’m not really sure what to say. I’ve been going through a lot lately, and for the most part I’ve pretty much ignored You. What a foolish thing to do. You are the Only One who can really help me, and yet I turn You away, time after time; I try to go my own way. And yet, every single time, You are waiting for me with open arms when I finally come to my senses and turn back to You. You clean me up and set me back on the straight and narrow way.
I’ve been reading a book called "When God Writes Your Life Story." It talks about something called "The Great Exchange." The exchange is simply this: I trade my sinful, corrupted human life for Your eternal, holy and righteous life. You work in and through me. As Paul put it: "Not I, but Christ lives in me." All I have to do is crucify me: the old, sinful flesh; and take on the new me. I want to do this. I am tired of being me. I have no way at all to be good: I simply can’t do it. So God, would you please take over? I don’t want to be in charge. You take the wheel. You call the shots. Jesus, be the Lord of my life. Take the pen, please. Write my Life Story however you wish.
Yours Forever,
Rachel
Dear God, (March 17th, 2007)
I’m not really sure what to say. I’ve been going through a lot lately, and for the most part I’ve pretty much ignored You. What a foolish thing to do. You are the Only One who can really help me, and yet I turn You away, time after time; I try to go my own way. And yet, every single time, You are waiting for me with open arms when I finally come to my senses and turn back to You. You clean me up and set me back on the straight and narrow way.
I’ve been reading a book called "When God Writes Your Life Story." It talks about something called "The Great Exchange." The exchange is simply this: I trade my sinful, corrupted human life for Your eternal, holy and righteous life. You work in and through me. As Paul put it: "Not I, but Christ lives in me." All I have to do is crucify me: the old, sinful flesh; and take on the new me. I want to do this. I am tired of being me. I have no way at all to be good: I simply can’t do it. So God, would you please take over? I don’t want to be in charge. You take the wheel. You call the shots. Jesus, be the Lord of my life. Take the pen, please. Write my Life Story however you wish.
Yours Forever,
Rachel
Monday, February 2, 2009
Passionate about Him?
I’ve been wondering...if I were to die today, just all-of-a-sudden, what would people remember me as being passionate about? Would they spend my funeral talking about how I loved teddy bears, Biblical Greek, Gregorian Chant (and Casting Crowns), and peanut butter and salsa sandwiches? I don’t want to be remember for those things. Yes, they are a part of me, but no, they aren’t important. Do people even know that I am passionate about Jesus Christ? If they don’t know, then am I really passionate about him? Because I think that if you’re passionate about something, you can’t help showing it. God, I want to be passionate about you!!! I want to make you known here on earth!! Help me!
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